I went into 2022 wanting to learn about confidence.
To paint you a picture, I’d consider myself to be at an average confidence level. Say a 7/10? I can sometimes doubt myself or get nervous but I also don’t shy away from people or tasks. Still the word ‘confidence’ stuck to me and I eagerly awaited learning more.
Right away in January I rolled up my sleeves and immediately assumed… Well… I literally assumed that I’m now instantly confident. I thought a little bit about confidence and told myself to be confident, so now I am… and can be! I mean.. What else are you supposed to do other than just tell yourself to be confident? Confidence, to me, means I can get more fashion forward with my style. Wear things I wouldn’t normally wear. It means I should begin doing my hair and makeup everyday. It also means to stop doubting myself. I gotta trust my gut more often.
Well… that lasted probably a month until… well, until it just didn’t last.
Sure I looked cute (on the days I had energy to) but I hadn’t found “confidence”.
At this point, I actually began to feel a new level of insecurity. *It’s okay, me too*
I thought by now (April of 2022) I’d be able to give some advice and at least an answer to “What is confidence?”. But, if we can be two honest friends with a glass of wine on the couch, I’d love to laugh, lean in, and tell you, “girl, the only thing I’ve discovered is that I’m actually extremely insecure!”
Praying for God to teach me about confidence has slowly, through experiences, let me see my true honest heart.
I called myself a 7/10, but I’d now more accurately describe myself as a child at a playground. My parents are encouraging me to go play, but I am crying, kicking and grabbing onto my parents arms for dear life. I don’t want to play on the playground. But I also don’t fully know or trust the parent I’m grabbing onto. And I think that’s what being insecure feels like. Both the playground and my parent are unfamiliar to me, and I’m just scared to move!
I have a recurring choice to make; I can stay grabbing onto my parents arm, refusing to play, negotiating and questioning my parent “why, where, how?”. Or I can choose to trust my parent and go play on the playground.
I’m courageously starting to choose option 2.
From this vulnerable place, I become familiar, comfortable, safe and dependent in my parent – God. He can be solely what I’m confident in. Slowly that makes me start to believe the things He says about himself, me, and the playground.
And I’ll just say, that makes the playground start to look really fun, and I want to play on it 🙂
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